Change

I'm getting a divorce. There, I said it. The concept is still so foreign to me somedays, that this is my life. Or was. And is. I chose it. I asked for it. Ripped the proverbial bandaid off in January and am still healing. Somedays are easier than others. My soon to be ex, though I would like to villanize him, is not a bad person. We just weren't good together. I thought we were for a long time, or talked myself into thinking that we were, and the deeper I got, the more stuck I felt. The more I cried in the shower, went to bed alone, slept with my back to him at night. Got up alone in the morning, went to work, came home, took care of our daughter, our home not as well, myself hardly at all. Resentful is a good word for how I felt. Taken gor granted, taken advantage of. Though I allowed it. Encouraged it even at times. It is amazing the things I realized that I stopped doing for myself, like I didn't have value like everyone else in my life. I stopped doing my hair, my nails, shaving for godsake. I didn't buy new clothes for myself. I was still working in my maternity clothes when Lucia was turning one. There was always something, or someone, more important. As she got older, and more independent, I started looking around at my life and realized that while I was happy at times, I was mostly just going through the motions. For whose benfit I don't know. Not mine for sure. Leaving my husband was the most selfish thing I have ever done because the only people I really considered in my choice were Lu and me. Not him. Or his family or friends. Not our mutual friends. Not my family. For the first time it wasn;t about what anyone would think, it was about how I would feel. And while some days I feel awful. Terrible. Like a failure who has just invited years of bad karma into her life, there are more and more days where I feel light. And free. And confident. Getting things put back together has been hard. I am bad with money. I am still not unpacked and my house is disorganized. I stay up too late and am tired at work. There is no routine to this leaving and starting over yet. Somedays I get a lot done, and others like today, not much at all.

So. I am getting a divorce. I am meeting myself again. Lets see how it goes....